


The Powers the Dark Lord Knows Not

by smileykylie29



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Dark Magic, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter is a Himbo, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Original Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Prophecy, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Severus Snape is a Good Friend, first wizarding war, marlene mckinnon is a good friend, severus snape could have been a school shooter though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29198559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smileykylie29/pseuds/smileykylie29
Summary: Lilly considered James' plea. What would Severus do? All these days the pair had spent nearly fawning over tales of dark wizards as if they were spooky stories to tell over a campfire. Had Severus taken them seriously? Surely not. The gory details were merely words on paper to Lilly. Something scary to keep you up at night. An adrenaline rush to read, but no more. Had Severus idolized them as James had suggested? Lilly felt as if she could crawl into the fireplace, and the heat would not do a thing for the chill running up her spine.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 5





	The Powers the Dark Lord Knows Not

**Author's Note:**

> This is my little head cannon to justify Severus Snape and his actions. And even still it does not exactly justify MOST of his actions. It’s also a hot take of who I think Lilly Evans was before she became Lilly Potter. She was a dramatic, and at times… problematic teenage girl. Like she SHOULD BE. She was not without flaw. None of the characters are once they have been wrung through my head. But I have a lot of opinions, and personal lore to back up the choices I make and the directions I take with these guys. So, if you enjoy this PLEASE let me know and I will break down other characters.  
> Although this is merely head-cannon material. I try very hard to keep my stories within the same timeline and fact rubric as JKR intended. I prefer to take ideas already considered canon, and explain them away in a more fanon fashion EX: the blood protection Petunia provided for Harry. 
> 
> This has NOT been BETA'd nor corrected for errors.

July 1974

“It is unknown how many muggle-born witches and wizards perished in the feindfyres however the horrendous acts of Lestolas Prevelot will remain a stain on wizard Britain for centuries to come…” Sev smirked as he finished reading the page in a mock story-telling tone. 

“That one was wicked,” Lilly Evans looked up from her mattress where she lay face down listening to her best friend's voice. She caught Severus’ eye and shook her head, breathing out a sigh. “Can you imagine living back then? I’d probably just lay down and accept defeat.” She laughed. 

“Some Gryffindor you are!” 

It was the summer before their fourth year of Hogwarts, and Severus seemed to spend more time at Lilly’s house than his own. Much to the disappointment of Lilly’s sister, Petunia. What was once a strained relationship with the sisters was now practically nonexistent due to Severus’ near-constant presence. 

The pair were odd, Lilly could admit. They had less and less in common as the years went on. But it seemed, much like everything else in the lives of children, that summer always healed everything. As a muggle-born witch, Severus was Lilly’s only tangible tie to the world she belonged in during the summer months. What became a safe space for Severus to spend his days away from school, served Lilly as a tether to a world none of her family were a part of. Their friendship was a necessity before it was a preference. 

The preference always came later in their summers. When Severus could no longer use his alcoholic father as an excuse to meet up with his red-headed classmate. When Lilly’s mother would beg her to go on long shopping days to catch up, but she would make excuses as to why she needed to stay home and wait for that horrible boy to come by, as Petunia so fondly had named him. No matter how much drifting the pair had seemed to accomplish during the school year, by the time the Hogwarts Express came back around in the fall, they were once again conjoined at the hip. 

“Huh, guess you’re right. Not very brave of me. Even still,” she began, attempting to muster up the words she would only ever speak to her best friend. “Do you think it’s wrong that we like to read stories about this stuff?” 

Severus looked up at Lilly from the floor and rolled his eyes. “The Yorkshire Ripper has literal fangirls, Lil. You muggle girls always go a bit crazy for a psychopath, don’t you?”

“Don’t say you muggle girls like that, you prat,” Lilly laughed as she reprimanded her friend. “I’m just saying. Some people might take this the wrong way. I can’t help it though; the stories are so good! Plus, it’s not like we’re condoning it by liking to read about it. It’s not like we’re going to go out and commit any of these crimes.” 

Severus leaned up from his sprawling position on the floor and brought his face close to Lilly’s. “You’re telling me,” he began with a glint in his eye, “that if I were to decide tomorrow to sit down and plan mass murder, you wouldn’t be my alias?” He tilted his head to the side in a rather good imitation of a puppy-dog. 

“The Bonnie to your Clyde?” Lilly asked matching his game with a smile. 

“The what?” 

Lilly laughed and lifted her torso from the mattress, folding her arms underneath her chest. “Never you mind. You’re asking me to be your partner in crime, then?” 

“Precisely. I can’t imagine a world where I’d get very far without you Lilly Evans. Especially a world where I’d be planning a complete takeover.”

“You’re forgetting one important factor, Sev. All those muggles you would be murdering. You couldn’t do that in good conscience with a muggle-born witch along for the ride, could you?” Lilly extended her arm, poking Severus’ head with a finger as if to remind him to use his brain.

“You’d be the exception,” he replied as if it were the simplest solution. “Every dark wizard has his thing.” 

“That’s ghastly,” Lilly said, scrunching up her nose, disgusted. 

Severus leaned back away from Lilly’s face and huffed, he threw his hands up in jest and frowned to keep a smile from giving him away. “All I’m hearing here is that you would no longer love me if I were to embrace my true self. My dark arc.” 

It was Lilly’s turn to roll her eyes. She rolled onto her back and let her long red hair fall off the side of the bed. Tilting her head back, she met Severus’ eyes. “Well, you should probably get your hearing checked then because I’ll love you forever, Sev.” 

October 1974

“Did you hear his closing statements? He was practically kissing the man’s arsehole!” Sirius Black half-yelled to the small group of Gryffindors left in the common room. It was late. Possibly past midnight. James Potter and his comrades, along with Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon and Lilly herself were spread out in a circle near the fireplace. Lilly had taken a seat on the floor beside Remus after the third attempt at telling Potter to get his feet off her lap on the couch

“You’d know about licking arsehole, then would you, Pad?”. James was now sprawled out with his long limbs laying across Peter, who simply looked all too happy to be there and laugh along to James’ teasing. 

The group, along with Sirius himself laughed at Potter’s accusation. “And what of it, mate?” He challenged his best friend. “Listen all I am saying is… someone better watch that kid. It’s all fun and games until he and Theodore Nott blow us all up in potions class.” 

Earlier in the day, the fourth year History of Magic students had given oral presentations on well known wizards of the past three centuries. While Sirius had stuck to the tried and true and done his research on Nicholas Flamel, Severus Snape had chosen to school his peers on Gillert Grindelwald and his affinity for killing muggles nationwide. 

“I don’t see what you’re so worked up about. We were asked to do a report on powerful wizards, he did that. Just like everyone else.” Lilly defended her Slytherin friend, lightly. 

“Bullocks, Evans. I melted your ears off about gold for 8 minutes, he stood in front of the class and talked about blood purity and literal genocide. That bloody ponce needs to be monitored.” 

Sirius Black came from a long line of blood-purists. He had grown up in a home that referred to girls like Lilly as if they were stains on the tapestry of the wizarding community. As if they were thieves of the world they had no idea they were falling into. Sirius was the black sheep in the absolute best way. 

“And besides,” Sirius continued “it would be one thing if he got up there and educated us about how disgusting Grindelwald was, that I could understand. People need to know the truth. But he didn’t. He talked about it as if he worshiped the man. Like he might have had the right idea or something. I don’t know how you stand that, Lilly. Knowing your little boyfriend would wish you dead if he thought he could get a little bit of power.” 

“My boyfriend?!” Lilly got to her knees and shifted closer to Sirius. “He’s not my boyfriend, you tosser. You lot look for a reason to hate him, is all. He could have stood up there and flopped like a pillock, not said a word, and you gits would still find something to have a problem with.” 

Sirius burst into laughter, causing the boys to follow in stitches, “you’re damn right,” he replied catching his breath. “You’re damn right I’d have torn him to bits if he’d got up there and lost the plot.” 

Lilly reached her hands out, jokingly as if to choke Sirius, and shook him by the shoulders. He grabbed her wrist and rubbed his thumb on the inside as she settled back down off her knees. 

“You know we’re joking. Mostly, Lilly. We know he’s your friend. We just think he’s dangerous. Or he could be if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass. You can’t idolize wizards like Grindelwald, and expect people not to think you’re up to no good.” Remus added peacefully, coming to the aide of his friend. 

Lilly sighed. She knew Sev was dangerous. She had seen him angry. Heard him talk about power as if it would solve all his problems. Witnessed him hex a sixth-year muggle-born in the courtyard for taunting him, sending him to the hospital ward. She knew the types of friends Severus found himself surrounded by. The looks she would receive when he would approach her in the great hall. 

“I know.” She said in a voice barely above a whisper. “I know what he seems like. But I know him better than that. He’s harmless. He’s as harmless as old Petey, here.” She pointed to Peter and smiled an admiring smile, attempting to make him blush. Once his face resembled a tomato, she continued. “You lot just have to believe me. He’s kind to me. You can’t deny that. Why would someone who supposedly wants to rid the world of any wizard-muggle relations be kind to me?”

“Because he’s obsessed with you!” James shot up from his seat, back straight as a board parallel to the couch. “He is, Evans! Godric! I don’t see how you don’t see it! You and all these dark wizards. That’s all he studies. Your bloody schedule. When you’ll be in the great hall. What your free periods are so he can just so happen to show up wherever you are. It’s weird! Me and the boys have noticed, don’t think we haven’t-“ 

Marlene laughs loudly before James can finish his speech. “You and the boys,” she cackles. “You sound like you think you ought to have a say in what Lilly does and with whom she does it.” 

Marlene McKinnon was a real friend. Lilly had figured that out quite quickly after meeting her. They had bonded over their early starts to puberty.

A 12-year-old Marlene laying belly-up on the bathroom floor attempting to extract a tampon from a crying Lilly as if she were a mechanic under the hood of a car. Moments like that will tie you closer to one another than marriage vows. They had been inseparable since. Marlene was a “no-nonsense”,” all men will kill you”, “us girls gotta stick together”, kind of friend. The kind of friend Lilly found herself desperately needing. 

“In case no one has read you the riot act today, Potter.” Marlene continued her verbal homicide. ”Much like old Severus Snape himself, you are also not Lilly’s boyfriend. I know you wet the bed over it. Unfortunate.” She turned up her nose, as James’ friends laughed at his expense. “If Lilly wants to go green for a day and get Severus between her legs that’s her choice. He’s got the bloody nose for it, doesn’t he?” She giggled and wagged her eyebrows suggestively at Lilly.

Lilly let out an unattractive cackle that was entirely drowned by the shocked laughter from the rest of the group. Her dirty joke had done it for James, however. He sulked back down on the couch and threw his legs back over Peter, roughly. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he pouted. “Look, I’ll say one more thing and I’m done. For your information, Marlene, I was only referring to Lilly’s safety and her position in the resistance. It’s happening before we know it. Dad talks about it all the time these days. As soon as they pegged Voldemort for what he was. As soon as he started all this talk about a purging, he started gaining followers. People don’t talk like Snape just did in class, and then not act on it anymore. You can believe me or not. But there will come a time, sooner rather than later that muggle-borns and half-breed wizards will have to fight for their right to exist. I know where my loyalty lies. Pad knows. Pureblood or not, we know how to pick a side. What will Severus do, that’s all I’m asking.” 

James had appeared to Lilly as a bit of a conspiracy theorist in the years she had known him. Always speaking of a war that had yet to happen. However, within the past few months of their fourth year at school, Cornelius Fudge had publicly denounced followers of Voldemort himself, and asked for the public’s assistance in the near thirty-year profile of the dark wizard. Whispers of an uprising were heard amongst the community, and crimes leading back to what appeared to be devotional murders left families frightened and unsure. Fleamont Potter wrote to his son weekly, urging him to keep his head straight but keep his blinders off. Study hard and surround himself with friends he’d be willing to die for. James, having a flair for dramatics himself, had, in turn, shared all his fatherly advice with his friends. 

Later that morning, feeling every bit of fourteen and forty, Lilly considered James' plea. What would Severus do? All these days the pair had spent nearly fawning over tales of dark wizards as if they were spooky stories to tell over a campfire. Had Severus taken them seriously? Surely not. The gory details were merely words on paper to Lilly. Something scary to keep you up at night. An adrenaline rush to read, but no more. Had Severus idolized them as James had suggested? Lilly felt as if she could crawl into the fireplace, and the heat would not do a thing for the chill running up her spine. 

January 1975

“What on earth is that smell?” Lilly yelled into the nearly empty potions classroom. Severus Snape, the only other person in the room startled at the intrusion and rattled together the vials he had been so obviously stealing from the closet. 

“Have you got a death wish?” Severus whisper-yelled, in a tone that had only just receded from frightened. It was Saturday night, and although the curfew for fifth years was 10 p.m., Lilly was a wanderer. From experience, she knew Severus to be one as well. He was only ever one of two places this time of night. The top of the astronomy tower, or the potions classroom in the west-end of the dungeons. 

“Not particularly. Now if you would have asked me that this morning. Before my transfiguration exam, I might have told you differently. What are you working on?” She asked as she crossed the classroom to sit in the vacant chair beside Severus. 

“Transfiguration? Isn’t your boyfriend top of the class? Couldn’t cheat off him, could you?” 

Lilly rolled her eyes and shoved Sev’s shoulder causing him to pour liquid from one of the vials a bit too fast for his liking. He cursed under his breath and vanished the concoction. 

“Potter is not my boyfriend. He’s just a pain in my ass. Between you and him, I’ll never have any peace, will I? He thinks you’re my boyfriend and you think he is. You’re both bloody well touched in the head.”

Severus paused from his ministrations and looked up to catch Lilly’s eye, “he thinks I’m your boyfriend?” He asked suggestively. 

“You’re both touched. Did you catch that part? Besides, I’ve got my eye on Harbin Hollingly, lately. You know the Ravenclaw seeker? Well, I mean… he’s the back-up seeker, but we take what we can get.” She said with a shrug. “Marlene tossed him off last year after they lost the quidditch cup and she said he was pretty decent. Even offered to return the favor. That’s more than you get from most of these pricks.” 

“Have you ever stopped to consider, perhaps you and Marlene are just going after the wrong pricks to begin with? Just an idea for you to ponder there.” Severus replied sarcastically. 

“Oh, and who do you suppose are the right pricks for us to go after? You and James Potter? Although I have heard a fair few good reviews of you from Dorcas Meadows’ friend Cecile? Hmmm never would have taken you for a tits man. Would have thought you were an ass man, through and through. Would have bet on it, I would.” 

Severus chuckled and replied no further. He went back to mixing and heating. Stirring and crushing. When they were younger, Lilly would come down to the potions classroom and join along. Brew euphoria potions and take mental Polaroids of Sev’s face as he let himself go and laughed along with her. Professor Slughorn had an unhealthy amount of trust in the duo. He allowed them access to his classrooms that only his peers ought to have received. The two of them had admittedly taken that trust and abused it more times than they could count. It appeared, that Severus was in the middle of another round of abuse himself. 

“I said what are you working on?” Lilly repeated her question once it became obvious Sev would not take the bait. 

“It’s a secret,” Severus replied quietly, never looking up from his cauldron. 

Lilly scoffed and puffed out her chest. “Oh please. It’s not as if I couldn’t figure it out if I watched close enough. Let’s see… mugwort, brugmasia leaves, dried blackcurrants- ugh what is that? It looks like… semen.” 

She pointed to a small vial of a milky substrate. 

“It is.” Severus deadpanned. 

Lilly jerked her hand back in disgust. 

“It isn’t my semen.”

“Is that supposed to make it better?” She asked incredulously. “What the hell are you trying to do, here?”

Samples of bodily fluids never meant anything good when it came to potions work. Instances were few and far between that it did not belong to a darker form of magic.

“Seriously Severus. What are you doing?” Lilly asked again, quieter. 

“Would you believe me if I told you you were better off not knowing?” He asked, pausing his work. He stood prostrate and looked down into Lilly’s eyes. 

“No. I wouldn’t. And you’d be hard-pressed to not tell me at this point because you know I won’t drop it.” 

After a beat with no reply, Lilly plead her case once more. “Come on Sev. Since when do we keep secrets? I won’t tell. Anyone. No matter what. No matter what you’re doing.” 

No matter if it is dark magic. The words she meant but could not bring herself to say. 

“It isn’t my secret to tell. I’m… helping a friend.”

Lilly considered the answer, her prying eyes taking another glance at the vial. “As in what? Like a love potion?” 

“What love potion do you know that calls for ejaculate, Lilly?”

The pair shared a nose-exhale akin to a laugh and continued staring at the contents of the table. 

Severus sighed loudly and turned back to his work. “If you must know. It’s an abortive.”

Although she knew her eyes would soon pop out of her head, Lilly struggled to gain her composure. 

“Mugwart,” Severus began running down the contents of the potion as if it would justify everything to his best friend. “6 crushed blackcurrants, the leaves of a brugmasia bush, blood taken in despair.” He pointed to a small slide sitting to the left of the cauldron Lilly had not yet noticed. “Blood given in sympathy,” he pointed to his own hand where a small bead of blood dried on his pointer finger. “Intention of sacrifice. The acceptance of your own indiscretions. And this,” he pointed to the semen last. “Cause of contention. After it cools and has rested for three days, she will calculate the calendar date of her next menstrual cycle should she have not fallen pregnant, and she will consume this. Begin to bleed three to five days later. No lasting effects. Little to no pain, hopefully. It will be as if nothing ever happened.” He finished. 

Lilly had not realized she had been holding her breath until Severus’ steady breathing was all she could hear in the room. 

“That’s… blood magic.” She said finally. 

“Dark magic, Lilly. Call it what it is.” 

Lilly knew little of dark magic when it came to potions. She knew the scary stories, yes. However, the only discerning factor of a dark potion she could recall would be any that required blood. 

“Is… is it yours?” She asked, fearful of the answer. 

“The semen? Or the fetus?”

Silence filled the room once more. 

“Neither are mine.” Severus answered before Lilly could ask. “It’s to help a friend, I’ve told you that. Yes, you know her. No, I will not be giving you her name. I do love you, truly I do,” he joked lightly before becoming stoic once more, “however I will not be spreading rumors about a girl who very much regrets what she’s done and does not deserve to pay for it any longer.” 

Lilly could understand that. She was after-all what the muggles would call, part of the pro-choice movement. Lilly could not see herself as a mother, in fact. Falling pregnant at the cusp of a war seemed the height of irresponsibility. How drunk in love must you have to be? How could she judge another girl for a choice she could see herself making given the circumstance? How could magic that would give this anonymous girl her life back be so bad? 

“Got it. Got it and got it.” Lilly replied with a finality in her voice. She resolved to herself she would ask no more questions. Give no more opinion. Put no more thought into the dark magic her best friend seemed to be so comfortable tampering with. 

Severus gave a laugh and reached for the vial of semen. “Let it never be said that Lilly Evans doesn’t know how to roll with the punches.” 

September 1976

She was dizzy. 

Head-sick, and nauseous and dizzy. 

Keeping her eyes closed, out of fear she would vomit, Lilly moved her hands around what appeared to be a bed. Feeling for clues. That is all she could muster.

As her hungover mind went into overdrive, her hand grazed what she could only know to be a person’s body. 

Last night was the first night of sixth year. School started on a Friday, which gave the students two whole days to grow reacquainted with their dorms. The perfect excuse for upperclassmen to throw a night one rager. It was the most impressive form of inter-house unity Lilly had ever seen. Sixth and seventh years of all four houses flooded the quidditch pitch deep into the night. Loud enough to keep Hagrid awake, but smart enough to invite him down for a couple pints as opposed to giving him time to consider reporting them to the headmaster. 

Sirius and Remus had hooked up, secretively in the score keeper’s booth. James and Lilly, the only two other souls aware of what was going on. Perhaps Peter as well, always the silent taker of social inventory. One of the Betram brothers had dared Mary Macdonald to take Frank Longbottom down to the Gryffindor locker rooms and give him a proper welcome to his NEWTS year, until he protested with a confession of love to Alice Fortescue, a graduate from the year previous who was currently at home taking care of her ailing mother. And Dorcas Meadowes who had recently lost a cousin in what was believed to be an attack by the newly scribed “Death Eaters”, was drowning her sorrows and telling the tale to anyone who would stop to listen. 

Lilly too was allowing herself to get rowdier than she had ever been. Attempting to stifle her frustrations with Petunia and her brand-new husband. The newlyweds had just bought a home in Surrey, Lilly had heard through the grapevine otherwise known as her mother. They were already trying for a child. If Lilly and Petunia were the speaking kind of sisters, she would tell her that in order to get pregnant one must first… have a period. Which Petunia had not had in years due to her affinity to starve herself past the point of unhealthy. But they were not the speaking kind of sisters. They were the hateful kind. So here Lilly was, back at Hogwarts for the remainder of the year with no intentions of hearing from Petunia. And there Tuney was, in a brand-new house smack dab in the burbs of Surrey, with her brand-new husband. So yes, Lilly was getting drunk. 

However now as Lilly rolled over and forced herself to stare at her sleeping partner, she had wished she had taken a page out of her sister’s prudish book.

There he lay in all his glory. The man who, by the aching feeling between Lilly’s legs, had taken what little piece of virginity she had left. His raven hair, and harsh jawline even more shockingly familiar in the morning light. Lilly cast her face to the ceiling and tried to remember what had taken place. 

She was dancing with James in a pile of bodies. Remus had come up behind her and tried to take her drink from her hand. 

“You’re spilling it all over yourself, Lilly.” He had laughed as he wrestled for the alcohol. After giving up, she watched Remus open throat drink the remainder of her cup in one swallow.

“You’ll get my cooties.” She said jokingly. As she turned from James and wrapped her arms around Remus’ neck. “My mudblood cooties.”

Remus stiffened in her arms and pulled back, meeting her eyes with a concerned gaze. “Who’s told you that? Severus?” He asked accusingly. 

Lilly laughed and shook her head. What was it with these friends of James’? Always quick to blame the Slytherin for all their problems. “No one told me that. It’s a fact now, don’t you know? Haven’t you heard Rame? There’s talk that the ministry might even tag us. Like cattle, you feel me?”

Her statement was hardly an exaggeration, but Remus scoffed, nonetheless. 

An article in the Daily Profit stated the benefits of a registry. Something visible on the clothes or skin of muggle-born witches and wizards, for pureblood businesses and families to discern their refusal of service and relation. It would be to protect muggle-borns just as much as pure bloods, the article stated. A simpler way to avoid conflict. 

Albums Dumbledore had promptly thrown a fit during a Wizengamot collective suggesting the idea of purging the school. Then, proceeded to throw another at the idea that classes should be separated by status if he refused to limit attendance to only pureblood and half blood children. As encouraging as it may have seemed at the time, Lilly worried the headmaster could only throw so many fits before the committee were sure to find a more complacent replacement.

Lilly remembered Remus’ argument. Remembered him tell her he would throw her over his shoulder and run her to bum fuck Egypt before he let anyone pierce her ear with a heifer tag. She remembered her reply, vaguely. A kiss to his check and a joke about just who he knew from bum fuck Egypt. Beyond that, however… things became a blur again. 

She counted the tiles on the ceiling and pushed her mind to recall anything more. 

Sirius was preaching. Bellowing loudly to a group of seventh years, and Rubeus Hagrid himself. 

“This truly is the calm before the store, gents. And I beg you, I’m begging you, if you feel as if you would fall on the wrong side of history where you stand right now, I urge you to move. Do your parents buy into all this cult bullshit? I’m begging you to make your own choices! You’re of age, mates! The time is now! There will be a resistance, I promise you. There will be a place for you.” He yelled from the center of the semi circle. 

“Alright you little recruiter, shut your mouth!” James teased as he helped his nearly blackout drunk best friend out of the limelight. 

Now that Voldemort was frightening the public enough to have them afraid to speak his name. Now that “Death Eater” was a a household term, Sirius and his friends felt a nervous energy anytime one of their peers seemed to show even the slightest interest in finding out what was going on. 

Fleamont had told James, and an unofficially adopted Sirius about an organization the headmaster was forming. Very few had been given word so far, however the seat was hot, and the Potter’s were prepared to jump on it. Thus, creating a frenzy amongst James and his friends over the summer. Through letters and short visits, the group had sworn their loyalties to the possibly nonexistent organization. Anything Albus Dumbledore was spearheading, they figured, was something they wanted to be a part of. 

Molly and Arthur Weasley had given birth to their third child, and Arthur had laid his position at the ministry at the headmaster’s feet, they knew for certain. The couple’s names were mentioned in passing within the Potter house followed by the repeated comment that “He who must not be named will have people inside the ministry, Arthur Weasley will be doing us a great service.”

Sirius allowed himself to be dragged away, however his mood did not pick up for the rest of the night. 

Lilly felt a movement in the bed beside her. She begged the universe for just a few more moments to herself. Just enough time to get the facts straight. When he quieted back down, she arraigned once more to remember how she had ended up here. 

Only this time, nothing came. Nothing. She must have blacked out around the same time Sirius began crying about his brother. She remembers seeing Regulus in a small group by the south-end goals. Severus Snape and Thomas Avery huddled in close to him, speaking in hushed tones, much too far away from the crowd to be heard.

Sirius and Regulus had once been remarkably close. However, sometime over the summer Regulus had dedicated himself to the movement under his father’s encouragement. When Sirius attempted to talk him out of it, their father interceded. Lilly did not pretend to know all the details, but a quieter than ever before Sirius Black showed up at the Potter’s house that very night with a handprint bruise around his neck and dark circles under his eyes. A dead giveaway that Sirius’ father had resorted to using the Crutiatus curse on his eldest son. Fleamont left the Potter manor and did not return until the early hours of the morning. When he did return, his knuckles were bloody, and he was accompanied by Albus Dumbledore himself. Sirius remained with the Potter’s for the rest of the summer, and by the time the boys were dropped off to board the Hogwarts Express, he was calling Euphema “mum”. She did not correct him. Merely kissed him on the forehead, did the same for James and told her sons to write her every week. 

Lilly remembers telling James she had half a mind to go stick her foot up Regulus’ ass. She remembers him telling her to get in line. She remembers being profoundly serious about it. Did she? 

“What the fuck happened?” A voice shook her from her memories. 

She jerked and turned towards the bed intruder waiting for his realization. 

Severus stared back at her. “Oh Salazar. What. The. Fuck. Happened?” He repeated. 

“Well,” Lilly replied. “It appears we had sex.” 

Silence stretched across the room like a plague. Severus seemed to be wracking his brain much like Lilly had spent the last twenty minutes doing. She allowed the exercise and remained quiet. 

They had drifted so far apart this summer. For the first time since she was in primary school, Lilly spent days at a time without her best friend. She had visited the Potter’s home more than once this summer. Along with Marlene and sometimes Alice. Severus had seemed busy as well. She could count on one hand the nights she had spent out in the vacant lot in between their homes. Their usual meet up spot, only now a rare occurrence. What was once long, deep conversations, had turned into awkward one-sided story telling of adventures each had had with separate friend groups. 

If Lilly brought up James or his mates, Severus immediately did not want to hear it. Their long-lasting rivalry finally turning downright violent at the end of their fifth year. After a nasty argument, Severus had done the unthinkable. Called Lilly a mudblood to rile James up. It had worked perfectly. For weeks after, the pair took turns getting the upper hand on each other. Severus had turned into someone Lilly hardly recognized. James so blinded by his hatred of Severus, never stopped to consider how the word must have hurt Lilly. She wonders even now if he had turned to comfort her instead of spending all his energy on the next best thing to ruin Snape’s day, how would Lilly view him? 

Severus found Lilly that very night on the astronomy tower and apologized. Cried to her about his mother’s opinions, and the pressure he felt from his friends. All she could do was comfort him and consider the money she ought to be making for all the emotional labor she had given to these two boys that do not seem to ever really see her. 

“We did,” Severus said, finally. “We did have sex. Holy fuck.” 

Lilly raised her head from the mattress and cocked an eyebrow at her best friend. “Hang on. Is that a good holy fuck or a bad holy fuck?” She asked, slightly offended. 

“I mean. You tell me.” 

“I will, darling. Once I remember it.” She teased. 

Severus finally laughed. Lilly felt as if she could breathe again. “Damn. I always somehow knew I’d lose my virginity to you, Sev.” 

The young man shot up in the bed, standing stark naked beside the nightstand. “You’re not a virgin. I didn’t take your virginity.” He scoffed.

“Dickhead! Don’t tell me what I’m not! I was half a virgin this time yesterday and now I’m not. So… thanks I guess.” She shrugged and followed his lead, slinking off the other side of the bed like a cat, or a ball of putty. 

She could feel his eyes all over her, but a pussy she was not. So, she continued her movements of collecting her clothes scattered around the empty dorm room. “That’s considerate. That all your friends skived off so you could get it in with the mudblood.” 

She could see him wince at the word out of the corner of her eye. “Lilly-“ he began. 

Lilly held her hand up and then reached for her bra. “Jokes. It’s only jokes, my pillock.” 

Severus walked to the door and opened it slightly. He reached for the outside of the knob and pulled a sock off, brandishing it in the air for Lilly to see. “At least I had the good sense about me to put this out.” 

The two finished getting dressed in silence, stealing glances of what neither of them fully remembered having. 

“Should we talk about this?” Severus asked finally. “I mean. Do you? Do you feel as If I’ve taken advantage of you? I could understand if you do. I normally never allow myself to get that drunk, I have just… I’ve had a lot on my mind. And I watched you. All night. You stayed with him. With Potter. I got way more drunk than I ever intended to.” He rambled.

“Take a breath, Sev. Just calm down. You were drunk. I was drunk. Nothing is the end of the world. I’ve been pretty nervous about the whole ‘going all the way’ thing anyways. I’m kind of glad I got it out of the way.” 

At this, Severus sat heavily on the edge of the bed and placed his head in his hands. “Oh Merlin, you really were a virgin.” He said miserably. “You’ve got to believe me Lilly. I never would have done this to you. Taken your virginity like that. I never would have had sex with you if I were sober.” 

“Ouch. Alright. Words do hurt.” She said quietly. Severus never raised his head from his hands. 

“Look, it’s not a big deal. I’m not mad about it. You regret it, and that’s alright I suppose.” She muttered, feeling defeated. “We don’t have to talk about anything. We can just pretend it never happened no one needs to know.” 

“No one needs to know. Yes.” Severus replied. Raising his head to meet her eyes. He nodded. “Although I’d kill to see the look on Potter’s face. He’d probably pitch himself off the astronomy tower. But no, no one needs to ever know about this.” 

Lilly needed to find her shoes. Find her shoes and get out of here before she cried in front of him. 

“That’s right,” she said. Twisting the knife. “Far be it for me to ruin your reputation.” 

“Pardon?” He demanded, roughly. 

She mocked his posh accent with a “pardon?” of her own and continued her search for shoes. 

“Did you not just say that no one needs to know? Did that not just come out of your mouth and you’re upset with me for what, agreeing with you?” He asked. 

That was true. She did say it first. But only because Severus seemed to be having an existential crisis. No matter. She was right to say it. No one needed to know. Not any Gryffindors. Nor Slytherins. None of Severus’ friends. Not James Potter. Certainly not James Potter. That’s right. No one needed to know. 

“Do you need help?” He asked, watching her scramble to untie her sneakers with shaking hands. “Stop. Here let me see it, you’re making a bigger knot.” He grabbed the shoe from her hand and carefully untied the laces. The he crouched and proceeded to put her shoes on one at a time, lacing them tight and tying the knots, balancing her with a hand on her knee, then waist, inner thigh. “There. Now you’ve got runaway shoes.” He said, finished with his movements. 

“Thanks, daddy.” She jeered with a mock disgust. 

His dark eyes gazed up at her from his place on the floor and he sneered. “Call me that again and I’ll put you back down there.” He said, darkly. Pointing to the bed. “Make you remember it, this time.” 

Lilly’s brain was malfunctioning. That was the only explanation for the heat she suddenly felt between her legs. 

Severus sighed at her deer in the headlights look and stood up to full height. He took her by the shoulders and leaned in to kiss her forehead, something he had done many times before. Only this felt so much more intimate. Lingering at her hairline, he took a deep breath in through his nose. “No one ever needs to know.” He repeated, firmly, turning her by the shoulders to the door. 

Lilly wordlessly nodded and walked out of the dorm into the abandoned common room. It was Saturday morning. Everyone would be outside in the courtyard, or back at the quidditch pitch by now. 

Everyone except Marlene McKinnon who collided full on with a tear-blind Lilly the moment she walked into the halls of the dungeon. Marlene was brandishing her wand as if she were expecting to be attacked. 

“Bloody hell!” She exhaled, exasperatedly. “I was about to break in there and get you, you bitch.” She sounded almost as on the verge of tears as Lilly already was. “Oh Godric. You’re crying. What did he do!?” 

“Merlin!” Lilly whisper-screamed, grabbing Marlene by the arm and pulling her as quickly as she could through the staircases and back down to the portrait of the fat lady. 

“Stop! Stop!” Marlene sat back on her heels and pulled both the girls to a halt. “Lilly you’re scaring me. What happened? Did you guys fuck!?” 

“Girls, please!” The fat lady cried, covering her ears. 

“Don’t!” Lilly cried. “Don’t tell anyone please. He doesn’t want anyone to know.” 

“Jackass! I mean, if I were you, I wouldn’t want anyone to know, mind you. But if I were him and I shagged Lilly Evans! I’d write it on my forehead.” 

“Girls! In the hallways? Have some etiquette.”

“Don’t Mar. please don’t tell a soul. I’ll never live it down. Apparently, he would either.” Lilly said with an eye roll to prevent another tear from falling.

“What did he say? Did he call you the M-word?” 

“No! Goodness no. He just- made it out like it was for the best. I don’t know. He said a lot. Like a lot. But I can’t do this Marlene. I feel wretched, and I just want to cry, and I’ve got to get somewhere I can do that without anyone seeing me.” She laughed through her tear-stained face. 

Marlene reached down and ran her palms over each of Lilly’s cheeks, removing tears and mascara. “Well, I hate to say it, Evans. But you’ve got a crowd right behind that door you’re going to have to answer to.” At her friend’s panic, Marlene began to speak faster. “But listen. Listen. We can lie! What are friends for if not to help you lie to all your other friends!” 

“How you girls found yourselves to be in Gryffindor house is beyond me.” The fat lady exclaimed, clutching at her pearls. 

Marlene rolled her eyes at the portrait’s dramatics and looked back down into Lilly’s face. “Just follow my lead, alright?” Lilly nodded. “Ready?” Lilly nodded once more. “Alright.” Marlene slapped her own face a few times, giving herself a red, swollen appearance. ”Veridicus”, she gave the password and took a final breath before the door swung open. 

“Lilly-“ James exclaimed, as soon as a fraction of him was visible in the entryway.

“-You know what, Lilly? You honestly are a selfish bitch!” Marlene screamed at the top of her lungs. 

James paused in his trek to the door and stood, open mouthed. 

“Well, we can’t all be perfect Miss McKinnon, can we?!” Lilly screamed just as loudly, hoping this was the direction she was supposed to be taking. 

“Perfect?” Marlene returned in a half-scream, half-sob. 

“Hey! What’s happened?” Remus, ever the peacemaker stood up from his place on the couch and walked toward the girls as if he were cornering an injured animal. From the background Sirius and Peter appeared as if they had all been waiting to ambush.

“Ask her!” Both girls screamed, carrying on. 

“Actually don’t! She’ll only give you her twisted, selfish side of the story. You know how she is!” Marlene yelled, storming off toward the girl’s dormitory, slowing ever so slightly at the end. 

“What? Marlene. This isn’t like you. What’s happened?” When Marlene wouldn’t turn around, Remus turned to Lilly. “What’s happened, Lilly? Have you both been crying?”

“We had a fight,” she said, stubbornly. 

“Hang on,” James started in. “Lilly where were you. Did you come in last night? I tried to wait, but-” 

“James not right now can’t you see somethings happened?” Sirius persisted turning back to Lilly just in time to watch her storm past Marlene into the girl’s dormitory. 

“Godric!” She could hear Marlene doing her final act just beyond the entryway. “I can’t even talk to her when she gets like this! We’ve been up for hours screaming at one another. It’s the second bloody day of term. Merlin help you lot that you’ve got to put up with it. LILLY EVANS come back here! I’m so sick of you!” 

Marlene walked into the doorway and continued her berating of all the imaginary problems she had with Lilly. Each girl took their turn throwing in an insult or two until they were fully in the dorm and lying on Lilly’s bed together. 

“Alright you selfish bitch, go ahead and cry.” Marlene said with a sad smile. 

“Don’t mind if I bloody do.” Lilly replied, tucking her head into Marlene’s neck, and letting out the sob she’d been holding ever since Severus pushed her from his room 15 minutes ago. 

June 1977

“So, you’ve done it have you? You’ve… let them mark you?” Lilly asked, afraid of the answer she had already known. 

It was the summer after they all finished school. Lilly had a diamond ring on her left hand and a gleam in her eye as she confronted her childhood best friend in his mother’s front garden. She had waited for him. Days passed and it was as if he were never coming back. Determined to begin his new life as far away from Lilly as he could get. 

James wrote to her from his trip down to Romania where he and Sirius were setting up a home away from home for Remus. The werewolf had offered his services to the Order of The Phoenix the second he left school, and Dumbledore had run him straight up the flagpole. Remus would now spend weeks at a time mingling with Fenrir Greyback and his pack doing Dumbledore’s bidding. Making friends in low places. Just another way for the Order to have an inside. 

“…. I do not tell you this to cause you to act on it. I tell you this because of our ‘no more keeping secrets’ discussion and I feel as if I would not be holding up my side of the very bargain, I invented should I withhold it. Severus Snape is known to be a marked Death Eater. It was hearsay at first. However, it is a fact that he was marked on the very night Pad’s brother was taken from him. I do not tell you this to hurt you, Lilly. I cannot begin to describe the lengths I would go if I thought I could bring him back to you. I have watched Sirius grieve for a brother he could no longer touch years before Regulus ever died. I would give just about anything for you to never feel that pain when it comes to Severus. 

I know you love him, but I ask that you do not seek him out while you stay with your parents. He is not the same man you grew up with, Lilly. The things these people must do to be ‘worthy’ of the dark mark are unimaginable. It frightens me to think of you speaking with him alone any longer. Especially when I have no way of knowing if you would be safe to do so….” 

James’ letter was pleading and long-winded. Giving plausible reason that Lilly should not do what she is currently doing. Yet here she was, watching Severus perform what appeared to be protection spells over his mother’s home. 

“Father died.” Severus replied, never looking up from his wand work. 

Sev’s father had been a drunk more years than Lilly had been on this earth. He would get a few drinks in him and become violent. Abusing Severus and his mother until the boy was old enough and big enough to put a stop to it. Severus spoke about coming of age, in school. About the magic he would use to make his muggle father pay for his upbringing. Between the war and Severus’ new position in the fight, she doubted if he ever made it back home to give the man a taste of his own medicine. 

“Is it true Severus?” She pleaded. 

The man finished his charms and lowered his wand to a pocket. Then, he turned. His eyes met Lilly’s and a sickening dread filled her chest. He looked horrible. Gaunt faced, and sleepless. 

“We’re you marked?” She repeated. 

“I was.” He said, the finality in his tone sounding desperate for control. 

Lilly’s vision push pulled as she tried to shake the answer from her head. Her eyes filled with tears and she felt as if she would fall to pieces if she did not have her own arms to keep herself together. Severus reached out a hand and motioned as if he were going to come closer. 

As if he were going to catch her should she fall. 

“Don’t touch me.” She warned, holding up a hand as a warning. 

Severus’ eyes trailed down to her fingers, the diamond ring glinting in the ironically bright sun. What was once a look of desperation on his face, hardened. 

“I see you’ve been marked as well. Congratulations. When is the happy day?” He asked sarcastically. 

Severus already knew she was engaged to James. It had been in the Daily Prophet. The son of Fleamont Potter marrying a muggle-born girl right here in the middle of the resistance. James had been hailed a hero by many, a disgusting blood-traitor by most. He could not be any more delighted to joke of the attention with his friends. 

“Let’s see. You were going to ask me what I had to do to get this, I presume.” He began what Lilly knew would be a hateful monologue. “Perhaps I sacrificed a lamb. Offered up a newborn soul to the Dark Lord. Maybe I brought about the death of my own father. But what did you do to get yours, Lilly? What part of your soul did you cut off for that thing?” He stared disgustingly at her hand. 

“The Severus I knew would be happy for me.” Lilly replied in a quiet voice, finding it much harder to argue with this man that it had ever been before. 

“Happy for you?!” He laughed menacingly. “Far be it for me to disappoint you with my reaction, darling. The Severus you knew was a bit of a ponce, it sounds like. The Lilly I knew would agree with me, I’m certain. Is it the war, sweetheart? Does it frighten you? A muggle girl like you must need a strong pureblood prick to stand behind.” 

“Shut your mouth,” she began, weakly finding her fight. 

“It’s a valid question. The Lilly I knew laughed at girls that were engaged to be marry before they were in their twenties. Lilly Evans had plans. She was going to be a healer. A potions master. Maybe even Slughorn’s little prodigy. A teacher herself, she couldn’t decide. But she sure as hell was not going to play housewife to some over encouraged, arrogant, straight back prick like Potter. Did he promise you he could protect you, Lilly? Keep you safe from the ugly parts of the war? From the men like me?” 

Severus stepped ever closer to Lilly, intimidation reeling off his body. However, Lilly held her ground. Severus would not hurt her. She was sure of it. An injured animal only ever attacked because they were frightened. His words would do his work. 

“We’re afraid, yes” she replied honestly. “Scared that if we don’t get to living our lives, they might be taken away from us before we can get around to it.” She would not stoop to his level. Would not leave him with a memory of her that was hateful. “But we’re only doing what we think is best. Dumbledore says if we don’t act now, our children might be fighting the same war as we are. I want to leave something better for my children. Do the bleeding and the fighting, now. So they never have to know the hurt. So they never have to see the people they love make all the wrong choices.” She looked up into Sev’s hardened eyes and watched them thaw like ice. 

“You still love me, Lilly Evans?” He asked softly. 

Lilly began to cry. Shaking her head and sagging her shoulders in defeat. “I think I might love you for the rest of my life. Always.” 

She rested her hand on Severus’ arm. Where she knew the mark to be placed on Voldemort’s followers. “You’re my best friend, Sev.” 

“Pity that won’t be enough.” He said just as quietly. 

A faint cracking noise filled the air and suddenly James Potter and Sirius Black were striding down the street as if they patrolled it. Lilly broke away from her place at Severus chest and wiped the tears from her face. 

“I never heard from you,” James began a look of relief crossing his handsome face. Both men carried wands tightly in their hands, never leaving their unarmed target. James approached Lilly and guided her softly by the arm. Placing distance between her and Severus in that way he had always been so good at. 

“I asked you not to go after him, love. You’ve been crying.” He looked Lilly over as if he would find the source of her tears. They could not possibly be from her heart breaking. “It doesn’t matter,” he continued. “You’re safe. That’s all I cared about.” 

She could hear Sirius verbally tearing into Sev in the background. Wand still locked on the man rolling his eyes at Sirius’ dramatics. 

“That’s quite enough, Potter. You may ask your guard dog to heel. As you can see, I have not harmed your possessions. You may take her and leave.” Severus shrugged turning his nose up at the scene. 

Something about being referred to as James’ possession had finally knocked Lilly out of her trance. 

“You’re an arse, Severus. You’re a pathetic toerag arse. You’re so upset that I’m choosing to be happy and trying to live that you can’t even look at me!” She jolted forward in James’ arms attempting to break free from his grip. “Look at me!” 

She repeated. 

“You ruined everything!” She cried, giving a final sob, and once again losing her fight. 

Severus stared at her over James shoulder. Sirius’ wand pointed at his chest. 

“What?” He asked her coldly. “You thought you could have your cake and eat it, too? Go on Lil. Don’t come back. Potter will want you barefoot and pregnant by this time next year, you had better get to planning a wedding.” 

He turned to Sirius and eyed the taller man, harshly. Sirius jerked his wand off Severus’ chest and cursed at him under his breath. Then, turning on the spot, Severus apparated. 

Lilly could feel James practically carrying her down the street to her mother’s home. Could hear his soothing voice, comforting in her ear. Could feel the rage rolling off him, barely containable. But her mind was elsewhere. It was on a small boy, down the road from her. Who knew good scary stories, and helped friends in unimaginably dark ways. Who nearly always had a new bruise every time she saw him. Who had a harsh word for every circumstance. Who taught her to stick up for herself even if it meant causing people to be afraid of her. Who taught her that love was not always proud. That it was sometimes shameful and uncertain. Her partner in crime. A death she would have to grieve before it happened. 

September 1981

“I need your help,” Lilly whispered. She had not slept in days, and her hair was beginning to fall out with her bad nerves. 

Severus stood at his doorway and looked left, then right down the street. He stepped aside and allowed Lilly, and the small bundle in her arms to walk into the foyer. 

“What in Salazar’s name are you doing out of your home?” He asked desperately, peering into the blankets she carried to see a brown face, small and round and so much like James Potter it made him sick. He rolled his eyes and cast his gaze elsewhere. 

Harry James had come into her world like a hurricane. Unplanned and underprepared, Lilly cried for hours when she found out she was carrying him. It took her days to share the news with her husband, only moments to share the news with Remus. 

“You don’t want to keep it, is that what it is?” Remus had asked her, shocked at her wailing. She had taken a muggle pregnancy test and smoked a cigarette as the timer counted down to doomsday. She was mother of the century. 

Lilly could not bring herself to speak, only panic crossed her face in desperate smoke signals. “Ehhh alright. Alright” Remus had replied in his calming way. “I’ll take you. We can err… make a day of it. Are we telling James or no? Just for further reference. You know how I am when I’m drinking.”

Lilly did tell James eventually. And she did not take Remus up on his offer to be best friend of the year and drive her to a muggle clinic. And she never once regretted it, honest. Not until the night Albus Dumbledore came to meet her son. 

“… and then Sirius went and washed his hands off like an absolute champ, came back and met his godson! We’ve told him he can put it on his resumè. ‘Assisted in bathroom floor childbirth’.” James finished, giving the headmaster a bit too much information. He always got excited when a new face came round to hear of Harry’s birth. 

Albus smiled even brighter and ran his knuckle down Harry’s cheek once more. “An eventful entrance, for what I can only imagine to be an eventful child.” 

“You just wait headmaster! We’ll raise him up right. You won’t know what hit you once my boy gets to Hogwarts” James replied proudly. 

“I have no, doubt Mr. Potter.” 

What Lilly ignorantly hoped to merely be an odd house-call for the headmaster to make, turned into tears as the three of them sat around the kitchen table, late into the night. Discussing the prophesy. 

“No one aside from myself has heard it in full. Although I have it on good word that Lord Voldemort knows enough of the prophesy to begin researching. It is hard for him to discern between families. As you know, birth announcements are no longer in the Daily Prophet. We have no reason to believe he is even aware of Harry’s birth at this time. And we will use our head start wisely. Protecting you in every way imaginable.” His voice faded off into the background as he began to discuss a Fidelus charm with James. Lilly began to calculate. 

“Alice and Frank,” she interrupted the men. “They had their shower around the same time as we did James. She said she was hoping for early June, but the baby might come early? When was their son born?” She was desperate. Lilly from a year ago, who would have gone to her grave to protect good people like the Longbottoms, was suddenly offering up their newborn as bait in exchange for her child’s safely. 

Albus placed his hand over Lilly’s on the tabletop to silence her. She sobbed at the realization of what she was suggesting. “Lilly, I have reason to believe it is Harry. I cannot justify my reasonings. However, I will tell you that your status as a muggle born witch would be much more of a threat to Voldemort than the Longbottom’s pureblood child. I believe once Voldemort puts the pieces together, he will come to the same conclusion. I employ you to let me protect you while I have the chance.” 

Now, ten months later. Lilly and James were still at the kitchen table. Feeding Harry and stepping around each other in silence. Both, face swollen, and red rimmed around the eyes. James beginning to grey before his time, Lilly looking frailer than ever before. It had been weeks since they had held each other. Months since they had been intimate. They looked more like extras out of some muggle zombie movie than the happy couple they ought to be. 

They were advised not to leave the house. Their groceries were brought to them by friends. James, having lost his parents the year earlier to a severe case of dragon pox, did not even have his father to bounce his frustrations off. Lilly with her mother sick and dying of cancer, with her sister being a caretaker and a new mother, hating Lilly all the more for being absent, couldn’t think long about her family out of fear she would do something drastic. Like take the blade out of James’ razor and put herself out of her own misery. Like take a sleeping drought and mix it with muggle cleaning liquid, feed it to her small family and finish Voldemort’s job before it started. 

Post partem depression never looked so frightening until it was combined with the fear she lived in constantly. 

There was no help to be seen. No light at the end of the tunnel. Harry would be a year old at the end of the month and he had never been out of the home he was born in. Lilly was a failure of a mother. 

The mundane was only broken up by the visiting of their friends. James’ friends to be exact. Lilly had lost hers to the war. Dorcas Meadowes, the smart as a whip, tomboy that she was, had been murdered. Personally by Voldemort himself. The highest honor one could imagine, Lilly thought darkly once the news reached Godric’s Hollow.

Not long after, the letters from Marlene stopped as well. And sure enough, Lilly received word days later that she was gone. Murdered by Death Eater’s. Her entire family wiped out in one night. Lilly had never felt more alone than the night she screamed for Marlene in the shower. Pushing James away and locking the door behind him. Her wailing set Harry off and it seemed as if the entire house would scream itself off its hinges. 

She could not even attend the funerals. 

Sirius and Peter brought Lilly flowers the day of Dorcas’ wake. Pulling James to the side and telling him they were concerned about the way Remus had been acting. James got angry with the pair for questioning Remus’ loyalty, and refused to hear anymore about it. 

After being forced to sit through a speech about the faithfulness and confidence he has in his friends, brothers, he called them, James stormed off into the study and refused to come out to send Sirius and Peter off with a goodbye. Lilly walked them to the door and reminded Sirius to please bring her those pills for her nerves he promised to get her the next time he visited. 

By September of 1981, Lilly had reached her breaking point. 

It was her birthday, and James was weeping over her side of the bed. His head buried in her stomach. They both were prone to sporadic breakdowns throughout the day. One of them would go missing and be found in the bathroom, or hiding in the pantry, in the midst of a full-blown panic attack. They allowed each other to be vulnerable as long as Harry never caught wind of it. To their baby, mummy and daddy were happy and excitable. Albeit a bit frail and frightening to look at. 

The visits from friends had stopped weeks ago. Each on small personal missions for the Order, each too frightened to bring their business to the house. Sirius was forced to watch his godson grow through frequent pictures and long-winded letters. Remus was entirely isolated out of fear his secrecy for the Order would cause James to panic. Peter, ever the skittish boy he had always been grew quieter and more distant, the Potters hardly received word from him at all these days. Lilly was suspicious that James had been making moves behind her back. Had been planning something between Sirius and Peter before they went radio silent. If anything had changed, he for some reason thought Lilly unworthy of knowing. She never questioned him. 

Perhaps it was guilt, she thought, that kept her from asking for the information she deserved from her husband. Guilt. For Lilly had been keeping secrets, too. Long gone from her mind was the blind optimism James somehow still clung to. Lilly had resolved to the fact that if Voldemort wanted you dead, there was truly little of anything you could do to prevent it. You would only prolong it. That is what they had been doing. Prolonging their torture. Playing a 13-month game of cat and mouse. She felt even more of a rat than Peter Pettigrew. 

That is how she found herself in the foyer on Spinner’s End. Looking up into her childhood best friends’ eyes as he studied her, and her sleeping baby. She had drugged him. Only slightly for their travels. Drugged his father even more so they would not be missed during their excursion

“Being his mother has turned me into a monster, Sev. I am not a person anymore. It’s as if he took my heart and my mind with him when he left the womb. My entire heart. Walking around outside of me in his little body. I would do anything for him, Sev. My love has turned me into a monster.”

Severus didn’t respond. Only softened his gaze at the baby and reached out to stroke his face. 

“I would kill for him. Anyone, Severus. I would kill my own husband; I would kill James for my baby if I thought it would save him.” Lilly had come to this realization a few nights ago. As she watched James rock her son. Singing him to sleep softly. Her entire world in one chair. She loved the pair of them so fiercely, it hurt her. Yet, she realized. She would kill one for the other if she were asked to. 

Her mind often wandered these days to macabre scenarios such as this. She blamed her affinity for all those murder stories she and Severus loved so much as children. James would crash and burn. She knew that for certain. If he were tasked with the challenge of saving her or their son, James would explode with the pain of making the decision. He would fail. Too proud. Too light. Too good, she thought. He would want to save them both. Probably getting all three of them killed in the process. Isn’t that what he was doing now?

“I’m not stupid Sev. Even though Dumbledore must think so. We’re going to die. He’s going to come for us. It’s only a matter of time, now.” 

Dumbledore had announced Severus to the Order as a spy four months ago. His presence at headquarters causing an uproar amongst the remaining members. Few believed it to be true. Even less wanted his assistance with anything. The headmaster claimed that Severus, at a great personal risk came to him offering his services to the Order. Lilly knew it had to be more than that. When the Potters were given word of the switch, James locked himself up in the bedroom for a full day before coming out and pretending he had not heard a word of it. The couple had not brought it up since.

“Go home. This instant. I’ll escort you.” Severus demanded taking Harry from Lilly’s shaking arms. “It isn’t safe for you to be here. You’re not thinking clearly. You’re exhausted.” 

Lilly shook her head, keeping her hands on her baby in Severus’ arms. 

“We are doing all we can. We are protecting you. I am protecting you, Lilly. You have to trust me and go home.” 

“I’ve been thinking, Sev-“

“Loosen your grip, I’m not going to harm him-“

“It was you really that gave me the idea, Sev-“ 

“Stop talking and breathe before you cause yourself to panic. Let me move him to my other arm and I’ll get you home-“

“James doesn’t have to know anything. He wouldn’t understand. That’s why I came to you-“ 

“You’re talking nonsense. You need rest. Let me-“ 

“No!” Lilly screamed, causing Severus to bend at the knee to keep his grip on Harry. “No! You listen to me Snape. Listen!” 

After a beat, she continued. 

“We’re going to die. He’s going to kill us. There’s nothing. NOTHING,” she yelled at his attempt to interrupt her, “we can do about it. Nothing you can do about it. He’s going to kill me, Sev.” She cried desperately. “But we can save my baby. You can save my baby.” 

“In what universe do you see that being accomplished? Where the Dark Lord kills grown witches and wizards but spares a baby?” He asked dryly in an attempt to bring her down from her hysterics. 

“In a universe where… where the odds are stacked.” She suggested quietly. 

“Speak English, I beg you.” 

“You’ve read about it just the same as I have, Sev” Lilly starts in a whisper. “You know what happens when dark magic is met with dark magic. Selfish intention with selfish intention.” 

Severus was silent for much longer than what could be considered comfortable. “You would curse your child? You would damn yourself? Damn me for helping you?” He rattled off the possibilities that came with the type of blood magic Lilly was suggesting. 

“I would kill for him, Severus.” 

“Satanic magic. That is what you’re suggesting.” He said, matter of factly.

“I would kill for him.” Lilly repeated. 

“I am protecting you.” Severus pleaded with her. She began to shake her head. “Yes I am. Why do you think you have lasted as long as you have? You. So sure that if the Dark Lord wanted you dead. Why do you think you’ve lived for nearly 14 months? You are being betrayed, at every obstacle. I will tell you that much. You are being betrayed by your own friends. By your own hand! By that old bastard of a headmaster your husband worships. Why do you think you still live? I am protecting you! Let me protect you, Lilly.” His voice finally matching the hysterics Lilly had felt as soon as she walked in the door. 

“I am not living!” She screamed, silencing him. “We are not living. We’re just… surviving. We’re walking the house. Day in and day out. Talking to the walls. Seeing monsters in the corners. I am hallucinating intruders every night. I wake the house up screaming. James cries. Every day he cries. Every day he tells me how sorry he is that he gave me the life that he did. Gave our son the life that he has. Every day. We hide. And we hide. And we survive. And we hide. And… nothing more. My son has never walked on grass. He has never been to a nursery. Father Christmas does not come. No neighboring children came to play on his birthday. We hardly even celebrated. We are not living. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot give my son the life he deserves if I cannot even get out of bed for fear of what will happen if I do. He’s better off dead right along with us. Unless you can help me.”

“I won’t do anything that brings about your death, Lilly. I refuse to live in a world where you don’t exist.” 

Lilly shook her head and released her grip on her son. She placed her hands on either side of Severus’ face and forced him to look down at her baby. 

“I am… already dead, Severus. Look at him. He is all that is left of me.” 

“He’s James Potter-“ 

“He is not.” Lilly hushed him. “He’s more myself than I am. My heart. My whole heart, Severus. It lives in him. My mind. It’s gone. I’ve lost it to my son. My eyes. He has my eyes, if you can believe it.” She laughed. Causing Severus to emit a short chuckle. “I am already gone. I am asking you to save him. The only piece that is left of me. Save my son.” 

Four hours later, Lilly found herself laying face up on Severus’ basement floor. She was missing her nightgown and had a large scar across her abdomen, recently healed. She felt weak, but charged up as if she had recently taken a pepper-up potion. Glancing sideways at a vial laying empty beside her head, she came to the conclusion that maybe she had. 

After a moment, she found the strength to sit up. There he was. Against the opposite wall, cradling her son in his arms. His face was covered in blood, his mouth. Her blood. She remembered vaguely what the two had done. The vile, gory details coming back to her like memories through a hangover. 

“I will loathe him for the rest of my life for what you have asked me to do.” Severus said quietly. Rocking the baby from side to side in his lap. 

Lilly let out a one breathe chuckle. “Well then let’s hope you don’t spend very much time around him.” She replied. 

“I have taken the position of potions master at Hogwarts. My first term starts in January.” He looked up at her with a ‘what have we done’ smirk on his blood covered lips. “I will have to tell the headmaster about this. He will not want it to be common knowledge, but he must know about the blood protection. If only to ensure the boy ends up in the right hands.”

How Petunia could ever be considered the “right hands” was beyond Lilly. She only hoped her spiteful sister would accept her fate as Lilly’s only remaining blood relative and take her baby in as if he were her own. Besides, Harry James would always have his godfather. Surely, they could work some type of custody arrangement out.

“I trust you, Sev. Once I’m gone. I trust you to make the right choice.” 

Lilly let her head rest back down on the concrete floor and laughed, feeling peaceful for the first time in over a year. They had done it. Stacked the odds. Taken the prophesy and turned it on its head. Labored and given birth to the powers the Dark Lord knows not. She would die. Her husband in all his brave spirit and fighting mind would die. There was no preventing it. But her baby, he would live. Her boy would live.


End file.
